Insights For Living Relationships Infused With Virtue
What Not To Do: 3 Relationship Mistakes To Avoid
Often times knowing what not to do can be just as valuable as knowing what to do, and a point can be reached where knowing what not to do can become one and the same with knowing what to do.
If having a happy relationship is something of value you to, then the following guidelines will serve your purpose, and better enable you experience a happier, more rewarding relationship.
What Not To Do - Point #1: Don't Play Games.
There are a lot of resources out there in the world of dating and relationship advice that will actually mislead you into psychological tricks and game playing. If the other person, or man, you are dealing with has an awareness of what you are doing, or catches on, you are risking what could possibly be or become a great relationship if you are playing games, strategizing or employing psychological tricks or ploys.
While at best you may succeed in temporarily catching someone's attention this way, it's not going to lead you to a truly happy relationship, and if you want your relationship to be happy, then it must be healthy and based from sincere honesty of heart.
I wouldn't discourage you however, from reading material that is focused around psychological manipulation, because by doing so, you are giving yourself the benefit of awareness, and with this awareness you have a better chance to make decisions that serve your best interest whenever you may be encountered by someone who may be attempting to manipulate you.
In fact, my great love for psychology and understanding the depths of male psychology, female psychology, and relationship psychology, has lead me on a long journey of reading MANY books, some of which ended up and turned out to be among the type to perpetuate misuse of psychological influence in a relationship. Some of these methods and tactics border into and even outright involve emotional abuse--and the truth is, none of this is even about honest-to-goodness true love. In fact, it's not even about LOVE at all.
Many times it is true that knowledge can be power, and with the awareness you may garner even from resources of this sort, it can still hold value in offering you a precise understanding of what not to do if you want the best chance of a good relationship. So while I may not discourage you from reaching such materials, I wouldn't recommend using such tactics--that is, if what your heart truly desires is a quality relationship of authentic happiness.
If having a beautiful relationship that brings true joy is important to you, don't play games. Let honest goodness of heart be your guide, because ultimately, the one quality that any truly good relationship is going to have, is that the relationship is absolutely REAL. It is sincere. The relationship is real, because the hearts, intentions, and methods of relating contributed by each person in the relationship are real, on account of the fact that each are based in honesty, and in honesty of relating.
Playing psychological games more often than not, results in fake or superficial relationships that lack depth or meaning. This kind of game playing can serve as a frivolous distraction from the flowering of real intimacy happening in your relationship. By choosing to BE REAL you are giving a gift to yourself, your man, and your relationship, that it be the best that it can be. If you really want a "strategy" for love and relationships--focus on living higher principals.
What Not To Do - Point #2: Don't Try To Mold A Man.
A man may be sweet, but he is not made of cookie-dough to be stamped with a cookie-cutter into whatever design of choice you may prefer of him. He is not there to be shaped into what you may believe, or may have been told is, the "perfect man." Everyone of us is unique for a reason. One of the fastest ways to sabotage a relationship, or potential relationship, is by trying to change and mold someone into who you think they should be, even if you think it is, "for their own betterment."
It is not a good feeling whenever someone attempts to change you from who you organically are, into who they want you to be or think that you should be in accordance with their ideals. This is one ingredient for degrading and demoting the quality of your relationship, or preventing it from happening altogether. This is one almost certain way to lessen someone's (or a man's) interest in you, or motivate them to seek distance from you, even if the person (or man) truly loves you.
You will risk losing a man's love if you try to shape him into someone other than who he naturally is in his heart, and even if his love for you continues on, you will risk creating emotional distance and potential damage to the relationship. This is also true of any relationship. If you were to try to change someone into your ideals for them, you run the risk of losing that person from your life, and in the least, being met with their distance as a result.
A healthy relationship allows room for growth and self-improvement for both people, however in what ways you each grow and change are decisions that you each make within your own heart, within your own personal journey, even if you are choosing to share a journey together as well. It is healthy, and loving, to be honest with one another about how you really feel, including if it happens to involve something that truly bothers either of you about the other when it comes to certain behaviors, and so forth.
However, respectful communication about these matters is much different than trying to actually mold another person into someone that they aren't. For example, say that your man loves baseball, and baseball is a great passion in his life. Perhaps you other the other hand, aren't a fan of baseball, and your passion is tennis. In the event you were to expect a man to give up his time spent watching his baseball games in order to play tennis with you, this would classify as trying to mold him.
Of course there should always be room for healthy negotiation. Perhaps you can coordinate schedules where he plays tennis with you once a week and it doesn't intrude upon his time for baseball, and his passion for baseball doesn't strike you out of the time for tennis that is important to you.
Whenever two people truly love one another, in so many things a way can be found to work things out where you can both get what you want, and enjoy what is important to each of you.
If you were to be the type of woman who would take the approach of reproaching him or criticizing him for his passion for baseball, expecting him to instead devote all of that time for tennis, again, this classifies as an attempt to mold him.
The reverse is also true, in the event where a man were to expect you to give up a passion or special hobby of yours in favor of doing only the activities that he desired to do. Or say if he expected YOU to renounce your love of tennis and become a baseball enthusiast yourself, and then when you didn't, treated you unkindly for it. It wouldn't be right, healthy, and certainly would it not be loving of him to seek to mold you into accordance with his ideals, rather than just loving you for who you truly are.
The same is true when you love a man. Rather than trying to mold him, instead, try embracing him with love for who he already is--embrace him for the "him" that goes much deeper than the entire level of general interests.
In doing so, you are making a decision that can sweeten your relationship with a deeper kind of happiness, and a richer-grade of joy, that naturally springs from the true heart of virtue.
What Not To Do - Point #3: No Bossy Boots Or "Friendly Advice."
It's true, when we have such big hearts, it is only natural to want to give and to, "be helpful" and this certainly applies whenever we see an opportunity where we think our advice could be helpful for someone else, including a man.
When it comes to the receipt of unsolicited advice, most of the time, we ourselves don't perceive it as anyone being truly "helpful" to us, even if the other truly believes that they are. Even when someone's heart may be in the right place when delivering what they think upon as being helpful or friendly advice, it often still carries with it a certain displeasure, even annoyance, if it is placed upon us without our having requested it.
Right now, you are reading advice on this website. By visiting this website, you are here of your own free will reading the advice offered here. By doing so, this is an indirect way of soliciting--or seeking to know, what I have to say. Granted, if we were having a direct conversation and you were to start speaking about your love life, even if I were actively identifying certain ways of relating, for example, that may be contributing to an outcome you wouldn't want, more than likely I wouldn't mention anything you've read here... unless you specifically asked. Genuine listening can be rare, yes, but this makes it that much more valuable.
Of course if someone asks for your advice, seeks it out in some way, then that's a different story. You are being given an opportunity to potentially bless another with your insights or advice, which is much different than the one who is pushy with their opinion and advice, even when that pushiness has been coated with "niceness."
When we have asked someone for their advice, or have sought it out in some way, it is a much different experience than being met with the displeasure of another proceeding to tell us what they think we should do whenever we have NOT asked for their input. Along with this, is also the important difference between someone simply wanting to talk with you or share information with you versus actually actively seeking your advice about the matter.
What we are speaking of here, pertains directly to "unsolicited" advice, guidance, instruction, or opinion about what a man should do (i.e., eat healthier, work in some other field than he truly desires to, give up baseball entirely in favor of his woman's love of tennis, etc.) or how he should complete a task at hand (i.e. organizing his desk, fixing a project he's working on, etc.) that he did not ask for advice regarding.
Surely you have encountered the "know-it-all"? The one who, even if well-meaning, acts as though they are entitled, or as though they think they have been "appointed" in some way to "oversee" or preach about what you should or shouldn't do, how you should do it, or point out how you could have done a better job at something (i.e., decorating your home, cooking a meal, styling your hair, etc.) whenever their input really wasn't necessary, and you certainly didn't ask for it... It doesn't feel good, it doesn't foster happy or healthy relationships, and it can push people away. This kind of unsolicited advice, even where well-meaning, holds the potential to peck a relationship down until it's been nit-picked away.
Furthermore, this kind of unsolicited "help" is perceived by some to be controlling behavior, even if it is not intended that way, although for some, it really is about a desire to control, which has nothing to do with a genuine desire to give, receive, and share authentic love.
When it comes to the well-meaning woman who wants to "help" a man, it can feel very uncomfortable for him in a way that may be difficult to describe, but it can feel a lot like needing to go take another shower. It can feel smothering, inappropriately mothering, and it can also be felt as insolence. Yes, as outright disrespectful. Many times a man will interpret and internalize a woman's intent to "help" him, especially if it is overt, as implication that she doesn't believe in him and thinks lowly of him.
Of course in many regards, men and women tend to think, perceive and interpret even some of the same exact things, very differently. Being a woman, you know that your desire to "help" is just a matter of loving contribution, not due to any lack of positive belief about a man and his competence.
Although because of how our genders do think differently, many-a-man has been pushed away by, "the overly helpful woman." The woman who thinks she is, "being nice" and "doing him a favor," and "only trying to help" in her attempts to "help" him, "advise" him, or "guide" him of the best way to do something. We are all human, and sometimes we do benefit from the insight and understanding that others have to offer, but a man generally doesn't need a woman's guidance to know what to wear, how to fix a project he's working on, or properly close a bag of pretzels.
Yes, it can be a great feeling to keep your snacks "fresher longer" by pressing the extra air out of the bag before sealing it, but really, is criticizing and providing an excellent "how-to" tutorial about pretzel bag closure worth deteriorating your relationship on account of?
Further, whenever we are willing to truly look with honesty, we begin to notice that often times a large percentage of unsolicited advice, and what may have initially appealed as "only trying to help," is really, just needless criticism. Some methods of communication tend to produce better results than others, but if you frame what you are trying to express as criticism, it is toxic to your relationship. You will run the risk of driving a loved one away, no matter how much they may love you.
It can be resourceful to take care where your desire to help and "advise" a man is stemming from, and that your honest-to-goodness care in your heart does not become a form of misguided care.
There are many other ways that you can guide, direct, and channel your loving, caring nature toward a man, in ways that he will actually perceive and experience as being care. You can read more about this, and a lot more in my ebook Secret Magic - Awaken His Heart & Have His Love which is available for immediate download upon purchase.
It's amazing how often you witness these 3 Relationship Mistakes To Avoid, taking place in the relationships of others around you and in the world. In fact, they tend to be very common. Although, they don't have to be a counter anymore to the good that is possible for your relationship.
Whenever you ensure that these 3 Relationship Mistakes To Avoid are no longer influencing your relationship, whether you realize it or not, you have opened a new space for a deeper and sweeter emotional connection, and a happier experience to enter into your relationship.
*Images courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net,
nenetus, jesadaphorn & imagerymajestic.